I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
