i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
