my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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