Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
