yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
