His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
