we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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