if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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