I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
