its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
