Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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