I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
