What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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