This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
