You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
