I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
