I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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