You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
