Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
