watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
