It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
