I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
