remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
