At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
