guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
