Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And then my night got REAL pukey
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
