yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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