What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
