He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
