the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
