i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
