Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
