im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
lol hangovers are for mortals.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
