i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
