We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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