So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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