i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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