is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
