how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
