this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Vodka?
Forever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
