I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I AM VODKA MAN
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
