this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
