so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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