he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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