Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
