I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
