Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
