I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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