fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
