Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
