True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
