i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
