Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
