Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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