I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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