I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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