I got chris browned last night
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i out mim tonsoeep
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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