Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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