Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
